|
|
Jon Hansen spends the vast majority of his time in the southern United States in the company of his wife Lisa and their small army of cats; his day job is a librarian for Kennesaw State University. Since 1996, his work has appeared in a number of places, including Black Gate, Strange Horizons, and Star* Line. More details can be found on his web site, at:
www.logicalcreativity.com/jon
This story was published in Albedo One issue 29.
If you are a member of Interaction, please nominate this story for a Hugo Award!
|
an Albedo One story
From the Blog of...
April 30:
After years of trying, Wife & I have given up hope of starting family. My swimmers seem lethargic at best. Alas! Shall throw self into work (filing so important in these trying times). Wife expressed interest in getting cat. Shall see. Weather v. cloudy.
May 1:
To my surprise, a potential answer to the baby dilemma. Received call from Welsh chap wanting to help, name of Dr. Gudfelough, claims to be expert in handling matters of the heart. First thought he was confused cardiologist until realized was just being poetic. Have made appointment for Wife & self for tomorrow morning. Cautioned Wife about getting hopes up, in case turns out to be total nutjob. Weather clear (for once).
May 2:
Dr. Gudfelough not nutjob but is decidedly odd duck. Little handsome fellow with firm handshake & tendency to burst into round of ‘ho ho ho’ whenever anything remotely amusing said. Like talking with miniaturized Santa. Eventually reduced to saying nothing to speed things along (damn my rapier wit!) and soon got down to business. Wife provided with special experimental medication. Must take for three days & then spend next fortnight at it like bunnies. Seems excessive but will try. Wife liked idea well enough. Weather light drizzle in morning, but burned off by lunch.
May 3:
Wife began medication regime today. Pills decidedly odd; coloured bright green. Most unseemly. Also thought once or twice they grew or shrank when not watching. Wife accused me of nay-saying. Took high road, due to her strains. Glad it’s her taking pills and not me, however. Began new filing project at work. Weather gloomy all day.
May 6:
Cancelled trip to Bristol Filing Association Convention this weekend, at Wife’s insistence. We must work on ‘following doctor’s orders.’ Couldn’t help but notice smug look on her face. Will put down to hopefulness rather than satisfaction at my career struggles. Ah, the sacrifices required. More later. Weather rainy all day.
-later-
My goodness. What’s got into her?
May 10:
Very exhausting three days. Only have few minutes to write this while she prepares B12 shot for me. No work done at all. Also, tired of oysters. Weather unknown, as have had no time to look out window.
May 12:
May die at this rate. Will hope for best. Now must change ice pack.
May 17:
At last, a chance to rest & air out flat. Enjoyable enough, certainly, on more occasional circumstances. Especially thrown off game when Wife broke out riding crop & called me a ‘damn Nancy-boy,’ but think did well enough in the end. Wife already humming & sewing booties. Hope she is right. Another two weeks like that would kill me.
Weather overcast, but all the more welcome since I can go outside again.
May 22:
Wife insists that she can feel something. Logical remarks such as pointing out incredible earliness of date only earned frosty glare and snide remarks on denseness of men. Most unfair. Will put down to hormones & take high road (again). Now back on track at work, since regime ended. Weather drizzly all day.
May 25:
Rather unusual developments: Wife beginning to spend great amount of time being sick. When asked if unwell, responded by chucking scented candle from Great Aunt Edna at head. Perhaps inferior curry from last night responsible, but will refrain from all further suggestions.
Weather still drizzly.
May 29:
Not curry. Wife convinced is morning sickness. All alternate possibilities suggested met with more missiles. Am considering emergency trip to Bath for change of scenery & health. Also, tired of ducking.
May 30:
Trip definitely on. During ‘Eastenders’ made perfectly innocent remark about Michelle Ryan’s top, only to have tea pot bounced off head. Most unfair, and quite painful. Will be back in week (perhaps two). Weather stormy, most unsuitable for travel. Do not care.
June 5:
Back early. Tearful call from wife received at hotel. Apologies all around. Returned this morning to surprise: Wife’s bump quite noticeable. Rather suspicious. Will ring Dr. Gudfelough’s office in AM. Definitely unusual.
Weather in Bath quite lovely, pleasant enough here.
June 8:
No luck reaching Gudfelough. Phone only rings and rings. Thought once heard giggling on the line. Useless rubbish. Plan to visit office, get things sorted out.
-later-
Absolutely no luck finding place. Kept getting turned around. Each time thought I had found street it would abruptly turn & end me up in council housing. After couple hours gave up. No luck with mobile either. Heard DEFINITE giggling this time. Would think crossed wires if wires present to cross. Returned home to find Wife in beastly mood. Claims feet swollen (and not only that). Spent fortune in new wardrobe. Weather rather foggy, lingering all day.
June 11:
Strangeness abounds. Returned home from market to find swarm of butterflies flocking about flat. Most unusual: bright blue with odd yellow markings. V. pretty but forced to park early due to poor visibility. Seemed to be accumulating at windows. Told Wife not to open them lest we be evicted. Thought I saw one of them winking at me. Most unnerving.
Weather: think it was sunny, but hard to tell.
June 12:
Woke in night to sound of hoof beats. When found glasses thought saw tall antlered fellow walking down hall leading pack of dogs. Nudged Wife awake; thought it was Pakis-tani man from downstairs. No good answer why he would be in our flat. Must check locks in morning.
June 15:
Thought would spend relaxing weekend at home, to no avail. Constantly interrupted by strange visitors. Chiefly old women in need of cosmetic work, but also tall fellow who glowed. Multicolored lights shone off body like radio-active crayon box. Became irate when I wouldn’t let him inside. Flounced around outside for a few hours trying to peek in windows. Lights shining through curtains v. distracting. Who are these people? Weather cool & partly cloudy.
June 17:
New problems, as living room carpet sprouting both grass and wildflowers. Wife thinks is pretty, but not her who’ll have to mow it. At least she’s cheerful. Thank heavens for small favours. Never see one penny of our deposit again, have no doubt.
Weather mostly cloudy, with rain in fits & spurts.
June 18:
Grass and flowers now spreading into kitchen. Fruitless day at work trying to arrange time off from work to help round the house after birth. Supervisor thinks I’m shameless liar, as he knows of our difficulties, thanks to too many pints last Hogmanay. Fact of recent vacation no help either. Heartless bastard. Might be for best, as last night awakened by singing. Thought it was next door & banged on wall until realized was coming from Wife’s bump. V. pretty but somehow not v. soothing. Wife slept through whole thing. Weather still cloudy, but with less rain.
June 19:
Returned home to find both my parents and Wife’s mother. Got earful from mother about “why hadn’t I called” and “thought I raised you better.” This accompanied by Dad’s remarks on when was I “going to get a proper job” and “what’s with this floor,” and Mum-in-law alternating between drippy tears and exclamations of praise for “this miracle from God.” Damned embarrassing, and as the topper they brought a great deal of baby things that would have been rejected from the sloppiest jumble sale; probably cleaned out attic. All the clothes have holes and the crib should be burned to the ground. How I reached adulthood is true miracle.
Weather clear for once, but quite gusty.
June 20:
Awoke to find one small favour: previously horrid rags now cleaned, patched & pressed. Actually might be wearable by future heir. Quite remarkable. Note left on crib apologizing for delay in repair, ‘will be fixed in time.’ Thought it had been Wife nesting until then. In cheerful mood until discovered that cleaned out of every scrap of bread & drop of milk. Hard to have morning toast without. Getting idea something big due soon. Grass and flowers now everywhere, except tub, thank goodness.
Caught self humming tune from bump. Starting to grow on me. Weather mostly cloudy, with nary moment of sun.
-later-
Mysterious delivery of food to doorstep. Refuse to grow attached to it, as mysterious crib repairers will likely scarf it all. Did make for excellent tea. Some super jams.
June 21:
Crib looks spiffers. As predicted, food wiped out. Tremendous sense of anticipation despite inability to get decent meal. Rainbow chap & old lady squad camped out front. When dashed out for paper found Wife had invited inside. Have finished off jam. Wife practically glowing, not unlike rainbow chap but more maternal and not as showy. Asked one of the old ladies if they know Dr. Gudfelough, but only laughed and mentioned someone with rude nickname. Possibly cockney slang? Had no idea old ladies so vulgar.
-later-
Well, it’s all over. Truly astonishing. Began at sundown. Knew something was up when visitors started crooning all together. Wife surprisingly calm, not at all as I expected to hear her friends talk about childbirth. Rainbow chap told her to start breathing, and then it happened. She tilted back and within seconds, out they came. Yes, they. Tiny winged folk, every last one a fugitive from a Disney cartoon. On and on they came, a miniature army, everyone of which was singing that damned song like the bloody Vienna Boys Choir. How they all fit inside is beyond me. Soon they were swirling about until they finished up the tune in one glorious shebang. Then presto! Out the window, en masse. Old ladies too. Rainbow fellow was about to bugger off as well when I grabbed him & demanded he explain what was up. Stopped glowing long enough for me to see he was actually Dr. Gudfelough, apparently in lifts. Said Wife was “the new mother of the fairy race” and “she’s helped bring magic back into the world.” Replied that was all well and good, but what about us? Cheeky bastard didn’t answer before disappearing, just winked, smiled and said, “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours.” Useless git. Have doubts actual doctor.
Went back to Wife and found her in labour good and proper, no singing or glowing, just screaming for an epidural. Rang the ambulance just in time to have them catch the baby. All over but the mopping up. A healthy baby boy, spitting image of my great uncle Jack, all crinkly and bawling head off. Ten fingers, ten toes, and zero wings, happy to say. Decided to name him Will, or perhaps Oberon.
Weather absolutely gorgeous.
(c) 2004 Jon Hansen - Albedo One. All rights reserved
|
|
